Are YOU Trapped in a Body Wracked with Chronic Pain?
You want to wake up feeling refreshed and energized like others seem to do… like you did at one time… before. Instead, you feel trapped… claustrophobic in your own body. The most simple tasks are an act of will. And intimacy? Well, touch hurts!
Unfortunately, this is one that I know intimately. Fibromyalgia was one of the first of many diagnoses. I felt trapped in my body… as if I had created a barrier to keep people from touching me. Ow, that hurts… the wince… wards off any attempts of not only bad touch but the good touch too. Intimacy. I tried the medicine… I tried the shots. I lived in a body that fought every move I made… Daily. It was as if my body became nothing more than a vessel for old hurts. I, as you, locked my hurts away. I shoved them down filling all of the corners and the crevices until now they consume most of the available space.
And we try to live in between.
What is hidden away… buried deep… works its way to the surface eventually. Like a splinter. Our body rebels against the foreign object. Swells. Gets inflamed until it pushes it to the surface to be extracted. Once the unfamiliar matter is removed life can go back to normal. The surrounding tissues heal.
Okay, so as children we live in this crazy house right. Everybody is screaming all of the time. The level of daily anxiety is what most people experience on a bad day. You with me? Right? But sometimes really bad things happen. You’re a kid. A magical kid.
We are never given anything without having the tools at our ready to work with.
We are here, aren’t we? Right? A little beaten up maybe but here, none the less!
So during the explosions things happen. Things that are outside of what can be classified acceptable. Our little brains don’t know what to do with this out of the box information so it creates a file… a file marked “Highly Sensitive Information”. The most disturbing portions of the experience get hidden away in this file and then buried deep within the body.
We do have tomorrow and the next day in this environment. The circumstances aren’t changing. The question isn’t if there will be another explosion… but when? We have to be able to get up and have breakfast tomorrow… With them! And we want things to be right so desperately that we reach out and grab up the ugly energy. We clean up the energetic mess so to speak. The guilt, the shame, the anger… and the “forgotten” details of the experience and it all goes into the confidential file… or loop.
This strategy makes tomorrow easier… for a time. Until we reach a point where we can no longer maintain balance.
We have forgotten.
We think everything hidden in our bodies is ours… The shame… The guilt. We have carried it for so long. So as the years pass we add to it. We turn the guilt, shame, and anger inward towards yourself. Claiming it as our own.
We have seen to it that the files are buried deep. We forget about them but… they fester. We may have a burning pain way down deep in the tissue of the thigh. You hid that one almost too well. Way down close to the bone. Our anger and resentment mingle with their anger and guilt. The result a slow-burning volcano. It erupts sometimes but lays back at others and smolders. Or maybe a file is buried deep in the core muscles of the upper back. We at the time filed it away with the resignation that things were never going to get better. The dull ache is always present.
It’s not yours! It just wants out.
Trapped energy becomes stagnate energy. Stagnant energy causes pain. The pills help only for a second until our brain gets used to the new chemicals and then it resurfaces. The files need to be opened and released. Understood with order. The energies that are not ours sent back to the rightful owners. Guilt… Shame? In reality, why would this be an emotion you would generate on your own.
You did nothing… you were the receiver.
So the process becomes understanding what part you are playing. Understand what you took on that was not… nor is not yours. Take responsibility for what you have created and allow others to assume the responsibility for their creations.
Healing happens from the inside out!
The first step in clarity is first and foremost meditation. For this purpose, we are going to incorporate contemplation.
After we allow our mind to quiet, (this doesn’t happen instantly so be patient with yourself,) In time your mind understands what you expect of it and the pathway becomes more ingrained. I’d like to share a visualization that was helpful for me.
Step into a movie theater. Find yourself a comfortable seat. You’re very comfortable and calm. We ask to be shone the contents of a buried file. Pick a hurt that is easily accessible at first and be patient. We watch as if watching a movie. All of the characters carry equal weight. You have no emotional attachment. You are just watching with objectivity. You pay close attention to how you show up. What you allow. What choices you handed off. You hit rewind and then you watch for the cleanup. You see the discrepancies between your feelings of guilt and shame. You see the energies that are not yours as a different color. Say blue. So we ask that all of the blue energies be sent back to their rightful owners. No judgment. In reality, we have impeded growth by holding onto what is not ours. Guilt, shame… these are emotions that catapult us into growth and understanding. Without them, we see no need. We don’t understand our actions cause pain. So they are easily repeated. So you see no judgment. You aren’t deciding. You don’t even need to know what the blue is. You just know that it is not yours.
The question: What do I need to know today to free my body and my mind from pain?
And next write. Write what you see. Allow yourself to release onto the page all you know about yourself. Take a story and write it down. For myself, I had to write my story as if it were someone else to gain perspective. I became Junebug. Watching Junebug maneuver the life that was hers/mine, on one hand, was horrifying while on the other I was astonished at the grace she maneuvered her circumstance. I noticed the abilities she brought to the table. Her connection with nature. Her ease with what I now know as meditation. Her ability to escape this body when things go too crazy. I watched as she was able to see past the words and into what was behind the words.
Storytelling is an ancient way to pass down learnings and wisdom. We learn by telling it… Others learn by hearing it. “Telling and listening to stories is the way we make sense of our lives “.
So writing our stories and reading them with someone you trust allows us to see and learn through each other’s experiences. We can always see another more clearly than we do ourselves. 🙂 Don’t worry about constructing a story pick an experience and write it. Write it from the eyes and innocence of the child that you were. All you know is what she knows then. Next, we come in and look closely at what each character is showing up with. And see where The Universe takes you from there.
For myself seeing my story through the eyes of Junebug, the girl that played out my experiences in my first novel by the same title. Junebug. I could be outraged for the little helpless, ingenious, super amazing, magical little girl. Going through the editing process, as others were making comments, was the first time I allowed myself to get angry. I think for many of us anger is repressed because in our world anger meant violence and we vowed to never repeat what we knew. But stagnant capped off energy most often explodes, at some point.
Let it out. Put it on the page… Create a ritual around it. Have a safe place where you can revisit and compare. This allows you to see how far you have come! Celebrate!